Plan B

It’s been three months and I just finished up this big project at work. I went out with all my co-workers and had a great time with them at Ale House. When we all finished paying our tabs, I walked outside and lit one up. I failed in my goal to stop smoking, the task proved too much for me to overcome. Even though I failed, I’m somehow not sad or ashamed that I couldn’t do it. Each drag takes me back to a place where I can just relax and not care. This feeling that I have is shared between my friends who have also failed at this nearly impossible goal and chose plan b.

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Hopeless

It seemed like everywhere that I went someone was smoking a cigarette. I told myself that there was no possible way and that my mind was playing tricks with me. The logic seemed to fade away when all I could see and smell were cigarettes everywhere I turned. The anger from my frustration overwhelmed me; I began to understand why most fail at this arduous task.

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Hulk

If my body can’t do this, the only reason for this would be that I am weak. Those of us who can’t overcome this are weak little people who need to toughen up. My co-workers began to notice the paleness in my face and the lack of enthusiasm from me. With no fuel to drive me through the day, how am I supposed to successfully function through my day. My wife noticed that I began to have constant mood swings where I was blinded by my lust for stogs. I didn’t need her to point that out to me, I could see it myself. It didn’t matter if I was like this though; all that mattered was that I didn’t light one up.

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Shaking

My body began to shake throughout the duration of my day; I began to imagine things. Why couldn’t my mind just quit this easily? I knew that smoking is absolutely detrimental to one’s health. With that alone I should be able to force my body to quit something without this anxiety.

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Day One

The first day somehow proved to be the hardest and the easiest at the same time. Easiest because the motivation within was fresh from the night before. Proved hardest because the fear from facing this mountain still casted a shadow over me. To pass the day, I thought how everyday somebody quits smoking in the world. But then my mind wandered towards the fact that probably more people quit quitting than those who actually succeed. Could it be that those of us who smoke have no will and allow the darkness to take over?

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Ultimatum

After a long and arduous debate with her, we came to a conclusion that having stogs around would prove too much for me. In order to defeat this darkness inside of me, I would have to quit cold turkey. The feeling of knowing that I would have to conquer a wall the size of Mt. St. Helen was very overwhelming. If this failed, I knew that plan b would be almost insufferable in comparison.

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Second Wind

Dinner was served along with silence; the tension between my wife and I increased with each and every bite. This can’t go on anymore, it’s had become too ridiculous and out of hand; I broke the silence. I admitted to her that she was right and that I did have a problem with my smoking; also that it was a lot harder to quit than I thought. The damp expression on her face began to be filled with compassion and understanding; it gave me fuel to overcome this annoying pest problem.

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Epiphany

The drive home for me seemed to taunt me as I’m faced with a crucial decision. My arrival on the driveway signaled decision time had come. I sat there in my car for about eight minutes before I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood for a smoke. The shame that I felt for breaking my own two stog quota was overshadowed by the release that each drag brought me. I didn’t think so but now I’m beginning to realize.

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Dark Side

Minute hands on clocks begin to take over, driving all the sanity from me as I waited patiently for my lunch break. My hands began to twitch as the voice in my head instructed my me to reach in my pocket for the pack of Newport’s. The feel of the box alone gets my mind to a darker place as the clock winds down. The hand hits, I’m already outside allowing the darker side of me, take over.

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Morning Coffee

The morning light that leaked through the curtains and onto my face did the job of waking me up. I sat up and looked to my right where my lighter and stogs were and went for a light. The wind chilled my body as I walked outside to the balcony for the light. I don’t even consciously remember all the actions leading up to the light. Just that once I took the first drag, I no longer needed that morning cup of coffee. My wife gives me a disappointed expression as I walk back into the bedroom.

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